Coming around

Been encouraged to contemplate the exhaustive sovereignity of God....

Scattered

The past few days have felt really overwhelming. I am sick of people, for one. The introvert wants her time alone to process and regurg the last week. Because I am so behind I feel very negative and berating about whatever my mind flits to. I thought yoga would help...instead I came home feeling like my head would pop off for all the things I need to do. Prioritizing is not easy for me when I am surrounded by disorder. Who knew I was so anal?
Anyway, the main floor is tidied and I actually washed the disgusting floor, although not gotten to the kitchen yet. Houseguests are coming this weekend so why get too serious about some tasks now, they will just need to be redone on Friday anyway.
The three days without Stefan were alright. What sucked was the taking the time to exercise and having it cause a plugged duct (AARGH!) and being unable to sleep for a total of five hours because I was paranoid about possible intruders. So Saturday, when putting things to rights would have helped, I tried to rest and be creative instead. Thankfully I ran into the Taverne's on Wednesday and then saw Marijo again the next day due to her spontaneous invite.
Tonight is Sci-fi book club. My introvert wants time to clear out the accumulated stack of paper work. (note: i won't do it because I will be too tired) I ditched out on a party for Shannon on Saturday without calling so I feel like I need to stick to my word tonight. (Note: avoiding the call to cancel was a sign that I was reaching the extroverted limit.)
The girls seem fried too. Although after I put them to bed they didn't sleep for two hours anyway. Oh, yes, and today Annika figured out how to climb out of her crib. That little stinker!:)
After all this wondering why I am so ANXIOUS and wound up today I realize I really haven't slept enough in the last week or so.. Cranking up on coffee just adds to the whirr.
So I need to plan meals, shop, clean up the basement and upstairs, think about camping again, train the children, put away the laundry, change the sheets, finish Ari's blanket, meet with Hatcher, workout (no aerobic arm moves), wash diapers, finish thank you notes, work on the weekly plan, research the Principled Approach (homeschooling)......right now I just need to eat. Maybe I can take a shower!

Weekend

A successful camping weekend with not too much griping, and how could I complain when all the food was taken care of by Kim and we had a sweet tent and air mattress. My plan of looking up at the stars was a good one, but we found out the resulting drop in temperture not feasible. The following night the kinks were worked out: tent fly on, extra layers for all, some cribish barriers for Annika, and more air in the mattress. We were all settled in and grungy when it was time to pack up the third day. (I really like car camping, just chuck it all in and go). Kim and I even has 20 minutes to ourselves to canoe the Blue Hole. It was serene.
The site was a double on the Cowlitz River. Right next to the river (and no one fell down the embankment!) A good breeze came up from the river keeping bugs away, the sound of rushing water was peaceful. The logistics of three kids was not impossible, although Tristan seemed to need more nursing (more dehydrated I'm guessing) and Annika was a little uncertain of the golden lab. Sharing, of course, was trying for Tryn and her friend Katie (4). I was smart enough to pack dresses for Tryn since I knew that Katie would be wearing them. We had to change our clothes though, I have my limits (Katie wore the same dress for three days). Letting the kid wear dresses while camping was me being flexible :)
Going with friends is the only way to go, I would say. Lots of company, practically as cheap, easy conversation and playmates for kiddos...half the work really because it goes easily with companionship. k
The week looms big, Stefan gone for three nights on business. Yes, me and three kids for three days. Yikes. Happily I made it to yoga this morning, a good start to the week.

Vocabulary of a 19 month old

Open the door (to the doctors caseshe hands me)
Where she blanket? (for the dolly)
Diaper on the baby, mama. (brings the dolly to me)
I did it! I do it!
I drop it!
I shut the door.
I no like it.
I sorry mama
Good morning Tristan.
Tank you God, fa my food, amen!
Where Trynee at?
Here it is.
Where papa at? (he's at work anni) oh, papa at work.
Daddy's at work, mama. (when I asked her where he was later that day)
Singing: Itsy bitsy, the Glori Apatri, Praise God from Whom all Blessings Flow, the B-I-B-L-E, Jesus Loves the Little Children, Jesus Loves Me, All People's Clap Your Hands for Joy, Sunny Day, C is for Cookie, etc...

Vocabulary of a three year old

Mama, didn't you realize I asked you a question?
Because you are the charger. I'm in charge, you mean. Yes, you are in charge. Do you know what the word authority means Tryn? Yes, it means you will get my headband back from Annika.
And Joseph's brothers were a little wicked and um, they throwed him in the pit.
Mama, I am having a hard time sleeping. Well, you can pray for awhile, Jesus will listen to you. (looks up) God, can you take the colors off the couch before I wake up in the morning? (annika drew on the couch with a pen :)

Dither

The fog is lifting. The days flying by. The best part is I get my hair done tommorow! My roots are at least an inch. Thankfully the ladies from church are coming through with some excellent meals which is propelling us from survival into thrival. I rearranged the living room because I was so sick of having it the same way and made a baby blanket for Ari, she is having a girl so I have plenty of fabric. It is the simplest kind ever, but it is pretty.
Reading: And the Shofar Blew Francine Rivers
Listening: 10th anniversary acoustic edition of Alanis Morrisette
Eating: s'more brownies, compliments of Rene
Watching: DS9 the fifth season, a ferengi episode and my sweet boy cooing at his dad
Wanting: more verve to exercise

Saturday

The end of a lazy Saturday. Bought and set up an uber cool tent (two rooms plus a screen porch). This was a stretch for Stefan, who prefers to camp with as little as necessary. He is gracious to see that I believe this is necessary. So it was a Costco, Target, Library, Old Navy day. Tryn was discussing with me that elephants don't live in houses...and that they have zookeepers. Annika fell off a chair while trying to reach her brother and did the initial holler...... silence................(breathe, baby, breathe).......................huuuuuuwail that scares the crap out of me. She has passed out like that before so it is petrifying to watch. But she has also been speaking in sentences again instead of grunting so that is an improvment. Only one temper tantrum as she wanted to get out of the cart seat and I kept telling her "no, your legs have to stay here. It was quite a scene, I'm sure. Thank God for kind women who pat you on the shoulder and say "good job, mom" as they pass by. Funny though, a target employee the same age came up to ask if I wanted her to go get a glass of water etc. I'm thinking, thanks lady, but pacifying her will only continue the behavior! Annika wanted to watch me talk to the strange person and was peetered out by then so that episode ended. Tristan had been looking up at me from the wrap and chatting, but gave up when I started to deal with Annika. I looked down to continue our conversation but he was cuddled up on my chest zonkered. Sweet baby......
On a different note, long shirts are finally coming back in vogue. What a miserable pregnancy it was to have to pull down my shirts constantly to avoid flashing the belly. I already have a long torso so that just makes the problem worse. So I have bought a few tank tops to layer under tees and to go to yoga in and it is such bliss to pull a shirt down to my HIPS for a change. What postpartum woman wants to have the inch or two between her pants and shirt showing, um, I think not! I will be stocking up for the next decade.

Historical

As we were playing with Playdoh this morning, I had a realization. We have had this Playdoh for months now, but haven't really played with it much. Why not, I am wondering....this is fun for them, right? Then Tryn wanted another color and a panic set over me. I had visions of crumbs of every color mixed in, non-descript lumps left after being kneaded together, and never being able to play again. OH, wait...it dawns on me that this is the big sister of six talking...not the mother of three. Yes, they ruined my new tubs of Playdoh and never listened to the rules. No, I never really had my own set to say BACK OFF to. But I have not wanted to let the girls run rampant with their playdoh experiments. So I had to take a deep breath and let go of the inner child, and yes, the blue is smashed into the pink and it all went back in the tub together. Which didn't bother Tryn one bit.

Dinner Party

Well, I have to say that dinner was a smashing success. Except for Annika falling down the basement stairs and scaring the crap out of us all. She landed on her butt amazingly enough and had a few red marks on her belly. Nursing comes in handy and with a few Arnica tablets all is well. Everyone pigged out on dinner, the chicken was cooked just right, we had conversations with out too many crazy interruptions. The girls were well behaved for the most part too. I guess I am getting better at this gig. Now if we could just learn how to say goodnight.
So today the house is very clean and I am booking over to Kim's for some girl time. No more obligations....hallelujah. Except those 20 thank you notes I have left to write.
meg

Rest

My head feels like it is floating today. So many things cross my mind to do, to start, to get a grip on. These aren't just wants cuz it would be nice, they are Would Make Life Easiers. Like finish the thank you notes from all the great gifts and meals. Like get my exercise chart done so that I can start checking off days. I am extremely visual. If I don't see it I forget about it. Also by brainstorming and organizing on paper I can clear out the brain junk that keeps rushing through. The girls are asleep....put them down at noon (about two hours early, but they were having a beast of a day. Annika is in full out regression. She is motioning and pointing for things she knows words for, biting (both siblings today), teething the molars and now the canines too, not eating really unless it is junk, and getting into every dumb thing she can find. Today she climbed up on the changing table, reached on the shelf high above, and was sitting there rummaging through the bin of medicine and baby items by the time I found her. Tryn is blissfully watching Blue's Clues on the bed below. Thankfully tylenol has a childproof bottle. She keeps eating toothpaste and climbing up on the toilet to explore the shelf above too. Yesterday she was eating deoderant. Between growing (I can tell since last week a shirt is smaller) and teething and the baby she is having a rough time. Her need for attention, even negative, is obvious. I have spent nap time furiously cleaning and catching up. We had to cancel a friend of Tryn's coming over because it was a lousy morning. I keep planning things that require stretching yet I am not quite ready for that. So that is twice now. I wish I could cancel dinner tommorow but that is wishful thinking. Yey for Kim who is bringing us dinner tonight. The weekend was busy, so I started off behind and MAN can I feel it. Tristan must be growing alot because last night he actually slept about four hours straight and today he still just wants to sleep. He is six weeks old today. I guess that means I should be recuperated and ready to rock. HAHAHA. I am not there yet!

Priorities

Get up at 8 and read my Bible, shower
Re-establish obedience (swift, cheerful and without complaint)(this will take a few weeks)
Children need training in how to's, especially Annika
Get fresh air or exercise
Have Stefan's boss, wife and coworker over for dinner. (wed)

failed

So, we made it to the freeway entrance before I decided the trip to postpartum yoga was doomed. Had my phone been charged and I could call anyone for encouragement I think it would have been okay....but that just broke the bank. Which most folks might think pathetic, but oh well. Between the snotty biter, the drama queen, and the nursing maniac (who Really needs a bath) I kept pushing and stretching, but that is as far as we get this week. humph.

Breakthrough

So I have three little children (3, 18 mos., 5 weeks) and I am really irritated lately. Children are a blessing? Since things are going so poorly in obedience my husband and I, amidst the chaos, are trying to discuss what is/isn't/might work and revisit principles. While blogging I have stumbled upon a few homestead, big family Christian blog moms. These have helped me clarify where my lousy attitude is coming from. I always knew that I wanted a big family (being the oldest of six) and I never questioned that until this last pregnancy. My mind has flirted with the idea of birth control and quitting a lot sooner than we had thought. Mostly I am wrestling with meeting the standard out there in the world, or at least my idea of that standard....You know, the mom who keeps everything orderly, has dinner planned (and makes marvelous meals for pennies), keeps herself svelte and stylish (also on the cheap) is smart, courteous, thoughtful.....( as I am writing this I see that it is Christian woman worldview that I am really putting myself up against) Let me continue with all my assumptions: gentle, patient, never swears, always creative, thinks of fun things to do with her kids and joins on in, reads her Bible everyday, makes homemade cute somethings just because. So here is the the wrestling because that homeschooling is looming out there more and more and I feel woefully unprepared. For us, its a good thing we have milk delivery or there would be some serious emergencies. But as I break it down further....Mostly I am realizing that the panic I feel about having this third child is an impetus for me to examine how stinking selfish I am. I am seriously annoyed by the amount of work this is and how little time I have to do the things I want to do. Not just annoyed. Really pist. Pist and Lazy. It has jettisoned me into a whole new realm of self sacrifice. We have got to get down to work here and I have to stop wasting time. I am talking about my perceptions of standards and using that as an excuse to blather about my inadequacies. Children are a blessing! Although mightily painful a realization to see my selfishness, it pushes me back where I need to go: running to Jesus to confess my lousy prioritization and selfishness, my complete inability to do this of my own strength. My attitude needs a spiritual adjustment pronto.

random mutterings

The baby is looking intensely at the stuffed lion hanging above his head and filling his pants. I just sent the girls up for naps. They were tired and I was abrupt (since I was on the phone with Kate) and anyway that didn't work (and I hung up the phone) Honestly, I don't know how to deal with Tryn most days. She has moments of sweetness and enjoyment, but mostly she whines, negotiates, runs from the room screaming, or just is miserable. Sesame Street is my one reprieve. Half of me admits guilt and the other half tells me I am just remaining sane and that is good for the whole family. Balance is hard to achieve but we are just past the five week mark and starting to get back into gear. Right? right.
Tryn needs alot of patience from me. We made a marvelous batch of blueberry muffins this morning (I thought I'd try some creativity again). She helped to dump and mix and did a great job. With much anticipation we pull them from the oven....neither Tryn nor Annika would eat them. I could just pull my hair out. Now they will land on my thighs.
I realize Trynee is taking everything in and wants to understand the world and if I spent more time explaining (and when I do) she likes to cooperate. (Or she just runs away and throws herself on the couch screaming). I understand why people put their kids in preschool now.
Unfortunately the downside of Sesame Street is that my kid wants "to go to school tommorow" and doesn't understand why she cannot go "live at school" like the other kids and teacher. This has her very upset. Wait till she figures out we are going to homeschool! Shall I say, "Sorry my dear, but you will never go to real school" (This is the term my brothers and sisters and I used...as if being homeschooled is something less real?) Anyway, onward.
People tell you that this time is so short and to enjoy it. Guess what folks! That is plain crappy and useless drivel. Please, pile on the guilt why don't you. Now, on top of barely keeping things together, I am supposed to be enjoying this too? Ha. I do enjoy some moments, and I try to let
the kitchen floor get really gross and not put away the maternity clothes lying in a big pile on the floor just so I can read a book or dance to a Bob the Builder rendition of Mambo#5....are these the moments?

Laughing

Tristan is really getting smiley. He did that cute baby laugh over and over with me today. He has such a boy grin! He is trying to talk and making those cooey sounds to get my attention. He is getting sturdy with all the new chub. I love getting past the newborn month and into infancy. The first month is all about growing and sleeping and pooping and now it just gets more and more fun. It helps that I am not needing a nap to survive anymore either. I did take initiative and plan to go to the postpartum yoga class (this involves leaving the girlies in some gym childcare facility) a stretch for me but necessary for my sanity. Just need to be thankful that Stefan is gung ho to fund it.
Funny, are you reading my new blog darlin? how about a comment or two :)