Breakthrough

So I have three little children (3, 18 mos., 5 weeks) and I am really irritated lately. Children are a blessing? Since things are going so poorly in obedience my husband and I, amidst the chaos, are trying to discuss what is/isn't/might work and revisit principles. While blogging I have stumbled upon a few homestead, big family Christian blog moms. These have helped me clarify where my lousy attitude is coming from. I always knew that I wanted a big family (being the oldest of six) and I never questioned that until this last pregnancy. My mind has flirted with the idea of birth control and quitting a lot sooner than we had thought. Mostly I am wrestling with meeting the standard out there in the world, or at least my idea of that standard....You know, the mom who keeps everything orderly, has dinner planned (and makes marvelous meals for pennies), keeps herself svelte and stylish (also on the cheap) is smart, courteous, thoughtful.....( as I am writing this I see that it is Christian woman worldview that I am really putting myself up against) Let me continue with all my assumptions: gentle, patient, never swears, always creative, thinks of fun things to do with her kids and joins on in, reads her Bible everyday, makes homemade cute somethings just because. So here is the the wrestling because that homeschooling is looming out there more and more and I feel woefully unprepared. For us, its a good thing we have milk delivery or there would be some serious emergencies. But as I break it down further....Mostly I am realizing that the panic I feel about having this third child is an impetus for me to examine how stinking selfish I am. I am seriously annoyed by the amount of work this is and how little time I have to do the things I want to do. Not just annoyed. Really pist. Pist and Lazy. It has jettisoned me into a whole new realm of self sacrifice. We have got to get down to work here and I have to stop wasting time. I am talking about my perceptions of standards and using that as an excuse to blather about my inadequacies. Children are a blessing! Although mightily painful a realization to see my selfishness, it pushes me back where I need to go: running to Jesus to confess my lousy prioritization and selfishness, my complete inability to do this of my own strength. My attitude needs a spiritual adjustment pronto.