Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Amnesia

I find it remarkable, after perusing the very FEW posts of the last two years, how quickly I forget those moments of perspicuity that I have already written about. Phooey! Seriously, pregnancy is like a fog for me, or looking in a mirror that is particularly dark; my brain on hormones seems like an old vinyl record that lost it's needle and keeps cah-chunking, cah-chunk....now that the baby is out and so is most of my hair, I can move the needle to a song or two.
Thankfully, the palpable vulnerability that all of those hormones wrought really refined some sinful deep dross up to the surface and there was no way I could fight that, although I tried and made a mess of myself. Lots of snot and tear-filled pillows. When all is said and done, I am glad to say I couldn't get away from my bitterness, nor my pride, nor my trying to save myself in religion. Hallelujah, can I get an amen? What is it about sin that causes such a shameful hiding and careful controlling which darkens the thoughts and muddles the mind yet that can all disappear the moment you repent?
And through it all there is an answer to prayer. A deep-seated resting and practical working through of to the HOW to be faithful without being all works righteousness/religion based. And just the reminder that allowing bitterness leads to much confusion. Root it out, mulch the soil, apply the pesticide of prayer with thanksgiving. So exactly what all happened while I was pregnant was simply sin + hormonal cocktail = yeah.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Hello again, world.
An entire year off for pregnancy.
Now Christmas shopping is breathing down my neck as we try to
a) be thoughtful
b) be fun
c) keep it relatively fair
d) do this for six children and about 20 others.

Meanwhile, I must nurse a very darling fat baby and not get to hauled into his adorable conversation making techniques, keep laundry up enough so that I don't have to make trips to dig through clean piles in the basement, feed the people more than pizza, bake, trim trees, homeschool, call my friend Billie whom I haven't talked to in three months, finish the birth story so we can get the album, STAY MARRIED i.e. listen to and love and respect husband remembering that he is NOT the cause of aforesaid workload, take some pictures of fat baby with all his enamored siblings, remember that I have the gift of forgiveness in Christ and that means it is all OKAY and my inability to execute my itinerary is in no way frustrating my Lord and Saviour.
Next post, the ubiquitous 'Let it go' and parameters around that stretchy fence phrase that everyone who sees your stress tosses at you with wild abandon. Myself included.

Okay then. Updated blog. Check.

Wednesday, January 05, 2011

Mountain top fun with FIVE!

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on being pregnant....again.

Two pink lines was not what I was really expecting. A few months ago I implored the Lord to give me some more time before the next baby. I really believed that since I do want more children, and because I am overwhelmed alot, maybe He would give me a rest in between. A little more recuperation. More time to get things in order, to learn, to obey, to sew, to get a better working schedule and meal plan perhaps even a longer shower. Mostly selfish things. Time to fly to see an old friend or my sisters. Time with my kids that isn't sick or braindead or irritable. Conversations with my husband that aren't meltdowns of me being oversensitive and hormonal. More days free of managing my hunger, nausea, exhaustion, emotions and anxious perceptions.
Ahem. Not in His plan.
I confess, I have wept and kicked and fussed. I have sobbed and wondered at His divine timing. I have been angry at my husband and wanted to blame him for not protecting me. I have felt an overwhelming sense of failure and dread. Likely all my planning friends will find this mystifying and appalling. If you didn't want a baby, why didn't you plan better?
After Stefan mentioned that we were expecting number six a believing older man inquired, "on purpose?!" Sigh. It seems so very haughty to me to assume that a planned and wanted child is a more faithful choice. It actually sounds alot like the propaganda served up at Planned Parenthood. But I probably sound as haughty with my anti planning propaganda :) Sigh.
All that to say, rather than pretend we know how it will all work out or that we are even thrilled to be pregnant, we will just tell the truth. We believe God does all things for our good. Children are a blessing whether all planned-out-to-the-nines or simply as natural result of some really fun sex. I am not competent or capable enough to be a mother of six. I am a loser! Jesus regularly bashes down my idols. He regularly shows me my futile efforts at saving myself and my kids through moralistic religion. But not to tell me to get it together or do more. To show me that in my weakness, I am strong. There is NO way that this baby will be here of my strength. I am walking around nauseous with the laundry from last weekend not put away, racking my brain and the cabinets trying to find something to eat that doesn't make me more revolted, unbuttoning pants and losing all the muscles I fought to build again, and seeing all the order and tidy collapsing into a tidal wave of junk that will likely take a month to whip back into shape (once I can move without wanting to puke). I also fought with Stefan this morning and I don't even know why, although I was certain I was right. Mostly I just wanted him to join my pity party. But we did our schoolwork. Until Tristan vomited all over his markable map. We had three slow days of reading, math, history, crafting, and basic chores until this hour. The Holy Spirit gave me strength to do it with a gentle and quiet spirit. Tryn took care of kids when I passed out on the couch after lunch. Annika wiped Gideon's butt after he pooped by himself on the potty. Tryn brought me warm socks. They all did the best job cleaning up lunch and then entertained themselves pretty quietly while I was zonked. Liesl entertains herself cheerfully in her playpen for forty minutes at a time.
All my fussing is simply that. Fussing. Sinful, selfish, fussing. It takes me awhile to submit to this process. I REALLY HATE DENYING MYSELF. I would really like to read a book with a book group! But, as the Spirit blessed me with the thought at the lunch table the other day, these sweet, amazing souls will Lord willing be with me for an eternity! Why wouldn't we long to fill this table at the expense of all the other wants?
Stay tuned.....I might blog again before the year is up ;)

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

The quote of the day

"Trials do not cause us to be what we have not been; rather, they reveal what we have been all along."
How People Change

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Technical Updates

Tryn is doing Beta and Gamma Math
Sonlight core 3+4 American History
Phonetic Zoo
Wordly Wise
Cycle 2 of Classical Conversations
Almost independently doing all the laundry. Thus far I have high hopes to do some Shurley, but I might Charlotte Mason it and wait til fourth grade. Life is short. She loves the spelling, crabs about any mild writing assignment and pays a great deal of attention to the details. Having more regular language arts causes her distress, but I am certain it will level out as she acclimates.

Annika is reading like a fiend. Yes. Oh, yes. She is doing level 3 reading books, which I am thrilled about because it clicked and then fast. So she and Tristan are doing Core 1 of Sonlight and listening to Tryn's read alouds as well. She has just finished Primer Math. Her math has dipped as the reading has taken off. She will have no problem with the Alpha Math, though. It was the reverse this time last year. Spelling is in the curriculum. Writing is coming from copywork via Sonlight and some workbooks. Punctuation is via Sonlight....it is all in the language arts. I still love our Easy Language Lessons, however. It is really great for her to practice letters. WHICH SHE KEEPS flipping and freaking me out about. She isn't dyslexic as much as lazy? I notice that she likes to read and guess sometimes by making up the vowels. She wants to go faster and then the details suffer. This is true of her chores and her obedience. She is cleaning bathrooms independently, unloading the dishwasher entirely, putting away all her clothes and cleaning her room. Tryn does all those too, but I don't want to retype it up there. Annika little spirit shines while caring for others. She is a lovely hostess and intuitively and naturally thinks of the needs of others and makes them feel welcome. She is an easy girl to get along with. I so loved watching her just run like the wind at Heidlefest with Kat.

Tristan is blasting away at of all things.... geography. I, too, have uncovered a long dormant desire to know where in the world everything is. Bhutan! Togo! Congo! Marking our maps up is a delightful way to make things concrete. Also dovetails nicely with the CC geography memory. He got 50 lessons into the 100 lessons to read and then flattened out, this was in May. It has been six months so I figure his brain might be ready to try again. I feel like he got the short shrift in life with all the trials surrounding his birth, etc. I am relieved he isn't a duh.
His dry, wry humor is a respite from the drama. He might be artsy. Lots of detailed drawings of buildings, boats, rockets, castles and equally compelling 3D Lego creations. I appreciate his focus. I appreciate that he tells me I look pretty. Giving him some workbooks to accomplish and color as his fine motor skills get a tad bit stronger. I don't want to start him handwriting too soon and then loathe it. He writes his name and recognizes all the letters and sounds. More importantly he thinks of huge storylines and details surrounding his pictures. The Phonetic Museum awaits and the big workbook with that....I won't do it in its entirety, because, well, it isn't feasible. H0wever, I like the little books and Auntie Rachel wrote one so that is kinda neat.
His job is to take out the kitchen trash, clean his room, help with the table clean up, etc. He also has taken to making sure he opens the doors for me....endearing! He loves the structure and getting himself up and at 'em comes most naturally to him (unlike me and Anni).

Gideon uses thinking putty to sit still. 'Still' being in one place but not without motion. Picking up lots of CC memory work and can do the entire timeline with the kids. The Mighty Minds toy which came with Sonlight is a good focuser as well as the Bambino Luk. Frankly, without him we would likely sit on our butts more. It is pure necessity for us to get walks and outside time just to help him listen. Which he inherited from me, so I am complicitly glad to help. He is learning his numbers, listening to LOTS of stories and reading, helping out by putting away silverware, getting the pillows plumped and put back on the couch, helping with whatever I ask him during zone cleaning time.

Liesl has the cutest hands. Folks commenting how blonde she is (and there is tons of gold in her hair). Climbs stairs, eats teething biscuits with wild abandon, takes two hour morning naps (amen), amuses self in playpen (amusing that she is the first to ever do this), no teeth but the top two will arrive soon, still bear crawling, bobbing, loves to find books and turn pages over and over, laughs expectantly at the dinner table hoping for everyone to join in. In contrast to the other kids, she doesn't cry to nurse in the middle of the night. She stands up in her crib (in our room) and just stands there. Now, I don't know for how long she has stood there, but get up and she is just expectantly quiet waiting to guzzle and crash back down. Then about two hours later she sits up and whacks her head into mine a few times to wake me up. BUT SHE DOESN'T MAKE ANY NOISE! Tristan would do something similar, but if he could get either his fingers in Stefan's hair or wrapped around mine then he would fall back asleep. Liesl likes to nurse and I can't fault her for making up time with me at night....we are busy and my milk supply would be whacked if not for this.
Okay. This was supposed to take ten minutes. But at least it will help me remember more than ten minutes of my life ten years from now.

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Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Stats

At some checkups and before Liesl pulls all manner of small items from shelves:
Tristan is 44 lbs and 43" at 5. 50% for weight and 65% for height
Gideon is 33 lbs and 38" at 3. 50 for weight and 75% for height
Liesl is 22 lbs and 29' at 10 mos so 75% for weight and 90% for height (a tall girl!)

Also, the FP approves the idea to go to the plastic surgeon to extract the remaining pre-cancerous lip growth. How I got the sun damage when I spent most of my life working indoors in the summer is mysterious.

It also dawned on me, that whilst I feel immensely and deeply and experience life via my feelings, I RARELY speak these out loud. My intuition on things, yes. My data (who needs data?) My thoughts (poor dears to your ears!) poorly. I rather despise sharing my feelings, and yet have thought about myself as transparent for many years. Upside? Surprised at 35 and time to work on it.

Freetime

Why is it when I go to be alone for a minute (legitimately! we finished our work) that suddenly I am surrounded by all the kids (except Tryn, who is also looking to be alone for a minute)?
I said this out loud. Tristan responded quickly, "well, it is because you like us."
True. I do. I am thankful that he knows that.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Kickoff

Notes to self:

Pray and pray and pray more over each kid and family as a whole for wisdom and direction

Either start in August or late September but not smack dab in the middle of Stefan's planning insanity at amazon.

Just order curriculum to look at it OR figure out when homeschool conventions are and be in town for either of them.

Potty training is not my forte. Child will not be in diapers when four, right?

Planning is not my forte. Adapting is. Unless I make the plan, at which point I consider adapting either my failure or my laziness. Must I torture entire family with my mental mindgame? I think not.

Rejoice over all the things going well instead of fixating on all the problems. And then who else is with these kids? No one. So therefore I am to blame for all the sin.
HAHA. Ah.ah.ah. The Enemy speaks. Bite me, Satan. I have been learning the difference between accusing and convicting.

We do not do school at home because we are not doing school at home. For us that means ADIOS VERITAS. Hello Sonlight.

Be thankful for contrite spirits all around. The first step to change is always REPENT not GIN IT UP.

New improvements:
Tryn sorting laundry and doing a load each morning. Laundry might all get folded on one night, but it is clean if really needed!

Annika unloading dishwasher every morning. More predictability for meal clean up.

Tristan and Gideon getting kitchen chores before breakfast keeps them with me and moving.
Delegating the chore of making sure the pillows are on the couches to Gideon was one of the more brilliant ideas I have had. Yep, I am not the brightest marker in the box.

Before breakfast chores are GREAT. After meal chores are still wonky. Might have to work breakfast back to 8:30, but eating at 9, 12, 3, and 6 is less clean up.

All the chore pack work from last year was WORTH IT. Getting the habits in.